Stay At Home Mom....

I feel like its only healthy to journal at times, and this is one of those times in my life where I want to remember what was going through my head. It's kinda long, so don't read if you don't have an hour, haha.



I am a new stay at home mom. I will be in this role until I graduate grad school in 2 years. I am still going to class and have a practicum placement that I do once a week. I knew this already, but its been reaffirmed: my calling is not to be at home all the time.

I almost say that with a heavy heart and a dash of guilt. What mother doesn't want to control the rearing of her children? What mother is not totally consumed with taking care of her family? What mother is not fulfilled by staying home?

ME. 

This is where I feel that I need to justify myself, because I do. I don't want to leave the reader feeling like I don't care. "Why did she have all those kids if she doesn't even care about 'em?"

Firstly, I love my children with my whole being. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them and I would kill if you mess with them. I've never been so proud as I am of every thing my children do. They are my only absolutes in life. Nothing else has more value then the lives of my children. The truth of the matter is, I am a more effective mother when I work. I feel claustrophobic and "stuck" at home. My patience is capped out and I'm doing more yelling and disciplining then nurturing.

We all have our weaknesses and strengths, and I feel weak in the home.

Every body is different and everybody's desires in life, as long as they are healthy, are valid. I desire to do social work in the medical field. I do well communicating with patients and families and providing myself as a resource to ultimately be a gateway to a more content discharge back into the community. This is my calling, this is where my strengths are, and this is what fulfills me.

That was tough to write. I can write very passionately about my professional goals, but it is hard to write about being at home. Here the guilt creeps up again.......


Here is where I bring up strengths and weaknesses again. Actually, just strengths. I'm a big proponent of strengths perspective. This is also where I bring up the SAHM vs working mom debate. Who works harder? Who is more stressed? Whose job is more draining? Why are we even comparing and judging anyway...

Eh, I used to debate. Of course working moms have it harder. An 8+ hour day in a stressful job, come home and still have to do what SAHMs do aka cooking, cleaning, bathing, feeding, etc, etc. How dare they say they work harder when they're home all day?? Then I shifted my thinking. Naahhh, I had it easy. Getting away from my loud, screaming children and being around adults all day. Heck yeah! Sick? Drop the kids off at daycare and have the whole day to myself! Stay at home moms would be jealous! Yeah, they definitely have it harder!

Then...something happened. I realized that there was no debate. It's individual. Based on strengths. Some people are very efficient in the home, doing what needs to be done and raising their children with total ease, and they're happy doing it. Others can have a job they enjoy and get home and be every bit the parent anyone is.



I don't really know how to wrap up my thoughts. Ultimately I'm learning not to be guilty. I'm fortunate to have found a field that inspires and charges me. I have children that adore me and tell me they love me every chance I get. I'm doing something right. I also am learning that though staying home is not compatible with my long term future, I need to be grateful for the upcoming 2 years.

When else am I going to have the opportunity to see my children growing day by day? They'll be in school soon enough, and out of the house before I know it. I'm learning to be patient and enjoy the time I have RIGHT NOW. That's all that matters. Plus I know there are moms (and dads) that would give anything for the opportunity to be with their children at home and I would be doing them an injustice to sit here and whine.

Ugh, anyway, I feel like this is all over the place, but it helps to get this out and revisit my reflections when I'm emotionally frail. It'll happen. We all get drained and we all need a 'pick me up' some times. Or at least a slap in the face, 'quit whining' sort of thing.